In the coming week, co-workers will ask about your New Year's resolutions for 2024, and this is a friendly reminder that they will think you’re a loser if you don’t have at least three on hand. It’s important to remember that no one cares if you achieve your New Year's resolutions, only that your goals are more ambitious than your peers. It’s a social stress test. They want to know if you’re a winner. In order to project the adequate balance of psychopathic grandiosity, enlightened woo, and X Factor, I recommend you bucket resolutions in three categories: In the career category, make sure whatever you say involves the term “AI.” The rest is irrelevant. “I’m starting an AI clock company. It tells you the time but with AI.” DO NOT, under any circumstances, use the word “crypto.” While this was a winner’s word in 2020, it’s fallen out of favor in recent times. In the enlightenment category, breathwork is an easy win. People love this shit. Sleep is also good. Vow to sleep 11 hours a night, and it signals that you are rich because you have time for such things. Bonus points for combining the two into a single resolution. “This year, I’m going to do breathwork while I sleep.” Finally, the X Factor. This is when you step out of the whole New Year’s resolution paradigm while still delivering the goods. Say something like, “My goal this year is not to set goals.” Then walk away.
What’s your New Year’s resolution? Fake ones only, please.